All I Ever Had
by She of too Much Free Time
Summary: Yet another fic looking at one of the most screwed up martial artist of all time…


The Ranma ½ characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi. The story plot belongs to me and about 50thousand others who have written or thought along the same lines…

All I Ever Had

I don't remember much about my mom. My pops never talked about her, so I never asked. When I was young pops beat it into me pretty quickly that the only thing that mattered, was what he said mattered.

Sometimes it makes me feel bad that I can't attach the face of the women who calls herself my mom with a face from my childhood.

I didn't know about women, my pops kept me in the dark. Occasionally I'd see people that somehow looked softer and rounder then me and pops. After awhile I noticed that pops acted different around softer looking people. Like he was better then them. Not in the way he acted better then me, but like they were even more useless then me, and didn't have the chance of becoming anything better. I remembered that Uc-chan somehow seemed softer as well. I could always defeat Uc-chan so easily so I though softness may be a sort of weakness, and pops always hated weakness. I asked him about it once, but he let me know it was something I didn't need to be concerned with. So I wasn't.

When pops enrolled me in school, I heard the word 'girl' for the first time. The guys laughed when I asked about them.  After some prodding I finally got them to take me seriously. I learned why they seemed softer and rounder. I learned about their tempers and their nails and the way their eyes would narrow when they were angry. To me 'girls' seemed a lot like c-c-ca-ats…I was glad I hadn't come in close contact with any girls before. Especially after I heard some of the stories the guys told about their girlfriends 'temper tantrums and odd habits', as they put it. When I asked why they put with all that, they said it was worth it.

I was more confused. I had begun to think girls where weak, but they sounded like they had power when the others at the school talked about them. I asked pops again about girls. He told me they were useless and that I should get thoughts of them out of my head. To pops useless means weak…

A week later we left.

I didn't want to…Ryoga hadn't shown yet, but then pops said…

'You're acting like a girl, getting attached to something like that!'

I felt my hair rise. My pops always insulted me, but somehow the way he said it made my blood run cold. He treated women with less respect then he often treated me with. He was the only person who was a constant in my life…I wanted…and needed his respect. So I went with him to prove him wrong. And he smiled like he was proud, something her rarely did. So I smiled to, because it meant he was happy with me.

So we started to China. I complained about having to swim there. And wondered why we couldn't just take a boat. And then he did it again.

He compared me to a girl.

'Boy, you're acting like a weak little girl! Girls don't belong on training trips!'

So I didn't complain and swam to China.

Comparing me to a girl quickly became his favorite insult.

I began to follow him without question, just so he would look at me with pride. And I felt good about myself. I was strong and solid, not weak and soft. To be strong was all I had ever known, and if I was weak my life was pointless.

Then we went to the 'legendary training grounds', Jusenkyo. And suddenly I was everything I feared becoming. At that time if I hadn't found out that there was a way to change back…

Then the Jusenkyo guide took us to the Amazon Village. I was a girl mostly on the way, hot water not being easy to get on the road. I noticed that though my girl-form was weaker, it was also faster. And I was still able to give my pops a good fight, but he made fun of me more then ever. When he looked at me sometimes, he had a look of pure dread. I didn't eat well for a while; even let pops get away with stealing food from me. It didn't take long for him to notice.

'You already look like a girl, are you going to become docile like now too?'

I began to eat after that, the food gave me a strange sort of comfort. For a few moments it could fill the emptiness.

When we reached the village the Martial Art's Show was on. Shampoo was fighting some butch women. It made me wonder about everything I had though I had figured out about women. Seeing Shampoo beat that other…women made me feel a little bit better about this girl-form.

Then the whole prize thing. And I fought Shampoo and easily won…

And then she got up and came over to me…And kissed me on the cheek…I was surprised, people who've lost to me in the past were either rude or congratulated me because they had to. And it was the first time anyone was affectionate towards me since the lady who helped me come out of the neko-ken…

And then it got more confusing as the guide came and dragged me away shouting about 'the kiss of death', and then Shampoo came after us.

We left for the Tendo's once pop figured we had lost the blood thirsty Amazon.

On the way I tried to find out more about women. It was pretty easy since pops didn't try to hide the face that there were such things as women anymore.

I learned of marriage, and shortly after learned that pops wanted _me_ to marry. To someone he had never even meet! What if she was like Shampoo?

'Lets be friends', she said.

Heh.

Sometimes I still laugh at that.

I didn't ask for her to walk in on me…I should have put a sign up...or…or locked the door or something...maybe then she wouldn't hate me as much as she does now…

I just don't understand that girl…Not like I understand any of them, but at least I generally know what Shampoo and Uc-chan want.

Akane doesn't listen to a thing I say, never giving me the chance to explain before sending me into LEO…But when I apologize for something stupid I've done, or she's trying to make up for mistaking something…She gives me _that_ smile. Her hole face lights up, and my brain turns off. Sometimes I wonder if her smile takes all the energy around to be formed, which would explain why there's none left to make my brain work right.

Akane's cute when she smiles…And for awhile I though we just maybe might be able to get along…Then came Shampoo. Still out to kill me, but because I blundered she also wanted to marry my male side.

I might have just gone with her if I weren't bound by honor to stay at the Tendo's, and if Shampoo hadn't broken the little piece of my heart I had stupidly given her in China. It had felt nice to be held. I couldn't remember the last time that someone had held me. Or anytime when someone was willing to look at me and not try to find a fault.

And when I made her believe that I was a girl disguised as a boy and she came after me...and stopped. Tears in her eyes she left…I still don't understand that…

But she came again, shortly after my weakness of…you-know-whats came out. And she didn't think that I was a pervert because of my two forms…But if she wasn't honor bound to marry me, if I wasn't strong, if she didn't have a curse too, I wonder if she would still like me…

Uc-chan came next. My childhood best friend who turned out to be a girl. A girl who also happened to be engaged with me thanks to my pops…

My pops that she beat the crap out of. Which throws another dent into the hold 'girls are weak' thing. But pops said a true martial artist doesn't hit girl…But somehow I doubt that he'd follow that rule himself. Uc-chan is cute. I wonder if another guy had told her that before, that wasn't a cross-dresser, if she would have stop thoughts of revenge on me and lived out her life as a normal girl…well, normal for a girl who is the heir of martial arts okonomiyaki.

She doesn't care about my curse, and she gives me affection. Something I wish Akane would do sometimes…

…

…

…

Forget that last thought.

No use hoping for the impossible. If we weren't engaged…we probably would never had meet. And even if she doesn't like me, I'm glad to have met her. In someway I think she might be helping me become a better person. Someone who can make me see a world outside of martial arts, even though a person like me could never live in that world of close friends and good grades…

She's helped me see a lot different.

Akane does have some serious strength, but she's not as good as Shampoo or even Uu-chan. All three of them make me wonder about that hold 'women are weak' stuff that pops keeps spewing. I think if Akane learned a few techniques then she'd be able to beat him…He's often scared by her strength as it is…

Maybe if her dad had trained her more…

She's trained hard with what she knew. The basic kanatas…and brick smashing…She's also really good at fighting groups of people. It was damn impressive that first day of school, not that I'd ever admit it to her (or at least not yet)…

She wants me to train her and a part of me wants to see her strong enough to hold her own against the other fiancées, another part of me fears hurting her (if she came into school with a bruise from me, who knows what type of rumors will pop up), and the other part is my pops shouting that girls are weak and shouldn't fight…And another part of me is afraid of losing the only thing I have to offer her. Protection. I'm not smart, and she could easily train students in the dogo herself. She has more patients for that kinda thing then I do. And with how pops trained me, who knows what kinda teacher I'll be?

I want to be useful to her…

Neither my pops or hers wanted me to train her either. They both gave me a talk about that. So I haven't…Not exactly. She hadn't gotten any hand to hand or technique training from me, but I like to think she's gotten a little faster because of me. She doesn't need help as far as strength goes; she's already strong as a gorilla…I lied about her being shaped like a brick though…

…

In a week she learned martial arts gymnastics, and if she hadn't tripped on her own weapon she would have won. She had more grace then me on the ice, I have to admit that…and she has a good grip…That Azusa gotta good grip too, now that I think about it…

Not many people, not even a man, would be able to wear those lead filled yukata that we ended up with at that 'Screaming Hot Springs Festival'. Hell, everything she did at that was amazing.

And if she hadn't though to throw me that rock wrapped in pantyhose during that fight with Pantyhose Taro I may not have won…as quickly…

And during the 'Ultimate Weakness Moxibustion' she risked her life for that stupid piece of paper. She said shortly after that I didn't need to be strong, that I had other 'god qualities'. She couldn't think of any. For a moment I thought about asking why she risked her life to get my strength back if I had all these other good qualities. Then I was cured by Cologne. And so I showed Akane that I was strong again, so she'd at least have _one_ good thing to say about me…

And I want people to say good things about me, because I've heard bad things for so long. I want someone to hold me and say that they love me. Someone to smile at me and tell me it's all right. For someone to care, even if it's fake. That's why I've been fooled by Ryoga and the others, over and over. Why I let myself believe they cared and wanted to help me, even if deep down I realized there must have been something in it for themselves…

That's why I chased after Shampoo when she had the 'Curse of the Contrary Jewel'. It didn't bother me much at first, but it did soon enough. Because a constant in my life was gone. Because someone who seemed to actually _care_ about me was gone. That's why I asked Uc-chan if she loved me. Because if Shampoo was bound to me by honor, and she left. Would Uc-chan too? I don't want to lose one of the few people who care about me.

I regret going after Shampoo. I didn't love her, that's why I couldn't say it. Pops would say I was acting like a little girl if he ever found out that I lost to three little words. But I still stayed there for hours. Because I didn't want to lose someone who cared about me.

And I hate myself because I know I would do it again.

When I learned my mother was coming to see me...at first I didn't know what to think. Then I thought I would be able to get the love I craved. That I would be able to share some of those blissful moments Akane spoke of sharing with her mother. To have someone who didn't want something out of me.

Of course it didn't work out the way I had hoped. Nothing ever does.

Stupid old man.

He was smiling when she was gone, proud that we hadn't been found out. For once I didn't care that he was happy with me.

Akane tried to help me meet her as a man, and for a moment I though my hopes would come true. But of course my pops interfered.

The sword cut the flower Akane gave me in half very cleanly.

So now I hid from my mom as 'Ranko' when she comes by.

After all, pops is proud of me, and mom is happy with her dream version of me, even though Ranko will never get to see that sort of happiness directed at her. As Ranko though, I get moms care and that's enough for now.

It's almost a win-win situation.

…

Akane's right. I am a jerk. But I don't know how to change…

And if I did…

Would they stay with me?

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This story was inspired by Is That All I Am? by Corina (Mako) Borsuk. Go read her fic…now


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